Where we're going, what I want, can it work

I've created this thread to give my feelings over this congealed hiatus and on the split into the forum and live campaign overall, and then cut and paste and put my thoughts all in order in a coherent, readable format.

I don't want to play alone, and I want to get things done, I have goals in mind and I'm not reaching them. I'm having more fun playing other games. You've asked me if I would like to go into the stream, and I've said no, I don't want to be in the limelight and I have my reasons for not wanting that, and then we've heard nothing for a good long while, like months.

Goals
Let me talk about my character, where he's at and what I want out of this game. I want to save the humans and keep them safe, and going to leader and protector is a mirror tie-in to Rory's personal arc, from troublemaker and anti-authority. I am a were-tusker, and I would like to transform and kick some ass without having to worry about whether my enemies die. In fact, I want to fight people who deserve it. For instance, there are plenty of big enemies to go after, but I have chosen the Vyeotians because in the absence of the biggest player in the circle of villains reserved for the live campaign, they are the most personal to Rory. However, it doesn't appear to me that I am going to get any of this. In fact, I feel like I've made some goals that the GM has no intention of allowing me to reach, such as destroying the Vyeotians from within, or being a significant player in bringing them down. Now I don't know if it's possible to get the humans back to what I consider "safe" and surviving on their own, and they will not be safe with the Vyeotians, there's no viable future there. That's very discouraging, but still I hoped, so still I played.

Current timeline
I'm frustrated with where I am right now. When we started out, we were on an adventure and it was exciting. Even after getting away from the Vyeotians' base, I feel like I'm being herded. Every time I think I'm getting closer to achieving my goal, I'm actually further away. And I'm fed up with heists. We've tried to plan a heist before. It slowed everything way down and ended with us getting captured and having to flee the region. Right now I'm being forced to play my character like a fish on land. I'm surprised that, when talking myself up in the first place, the lady interviewing me would have that impression based on what they've seen of my past work. If that was the intent, then we are dragging this out further than it needs to go. What I want to do if we ever get back to it: punch holes through walls until I find what I came here for, and bolt. I want to make something happen. I want to make progress. I want to have an exciting adventure, and I am not feeling any of that.

The split
Whatever your reasoning for going live with the campaign, even if I agree with it, I'm still bitter. I've been able to ignore my feelings for a long time, but I can't shake the bitterness and jealousy that came when they said "yeah, we'll go live for your audience" and we said "no" and they got essentially promoted and we're held back while they go off and make history while we lag behind in the past. And that was caused by the DM's inability to DM two games at once. I've been told recently by Zeiss and Kolson that switching from player to DM is a headache for them personally. But it's very clear that the forum game in Primus is suffering because of it.

I understand I'm the one who pushed you in the beginning, when it was just the livestream after the split, but it was because I still had hope and desire for fun, but it's becoming clearer and clearer that it just wasn't a good idea. Not if it's going to be like this, not if the experience is going to suffer for it.

I have to fully admit, I'm not sure why you got the impression you couldn't destroy the Vyeotians from within, in fact I figured that was the general idea of where you were going with things and was trying to line you up with something more mission-based (which the forum campaign in general requested... more dungeons less talky kind of thing), so I got nothing there.

I get not wanting heists. I'm curious why you didn't just Tusker out and smash in. Granted there'd be political fallout, but so what right? And hell you already nearly murdered a dozen guards in broad daylight.

Now, I have no intention of restarting any forum campaigns... probably for a really long time. But the reason for that is purely time and stress, nothing else. I'm working 6 to midnight on average and still feel like I'm not really keeping up. That's actually a decision I came to about two weeks ago, alongside putting time limits on the live campaign. I just do not have the time anymore, not while things are the way they are. And that sucks, but there's not really anything I can do about it aside from apologize. I'm sorry.

One final comment; I get the feeling you'd like more of an actiony, dungeony sort of GM in general, and I have absolutely no idea how to GM that hah. I admit I've never thought of myself as a particularly good GM, but the last few years have taught me that I'm even worse than I thought before. And again, all I can do is apologize.

Okay, I think I understand. I was having a hard time wrapping my head around how I was going to get all these people away from the Vyeotians and possibly "blow up their base", and I realized I couldn't do that. When the heist job came, I struggled with bringing out the tusker form because they gave me that job and told me they'd prefer if I didn't have to get violent or rampage. It seemed difficult to succeed at that, but I wanted to do the best I could.

The reason why I was holding back was because everyone else was insisting I keep waiting. Well it's partially that and because we didn't want to kill innocent people, I thought we kinda 50%'ed that or more with the fight with the guards. In fact I'm very sure.

You have to focus on minimizing stress to a level you find manageable. I understand the need and I thank you for the apology(ies).

You say you have no idea how to do action and dungeons, but I heartily disagree. I have seen you do it, and I've enjoyed it. You know yourself better, maybe it doesn't gel with you, but just ask yourself whether you enjoyed putting us through those dungeons as much as we've enjoyed exploring them. There are just too few enemies inside to my liking, that's all. Whenever we've been in a fight, there was always a unique setup or some strategy we might notice or overlook, and the boss fights were exhilarating.

I've heard you say before that you're very good at world building. Maybe you could try co-dming with someone on world building duty? I've seen this "co-dm" term brought up on occasion, on a couple other forums I've been to for roleplaying. Have you been DM with another DM for the same game?

There is a style here that I've come to recognize, for some it fits, and for some like me I suppose it's like a puzzle piece that fits but simply doesn't go with the rest of the picture. Maybe it's not the same style as the live campaign, I haven't been watching that. I have noticed a difference between how the game started in Naverre, and where it ended up, around Holtburg. I would never say the style is bad, only different.

When you're ready to come back to it, I think we may have to plan the NPCing of my character, if things cannot change, or must remain the way they are. Thank you for clearing this up, I wish the live campaign all the best.